From legalism to lawnmowers... only you, Jesus. Only you.

So often I find that I'm trying to do it myself. Trying to say and do the right things to "convince" someone to believe, trying to feel "enough" guilt for my sins, trying to write the perfectly clever blog entry, trying to figure out what to do with my life both on a large scale and on a small, minute by minute scale... everything. Forever I have been trying to take care of business, to get things done, to be the impressive, brilliant and wonderful stud that everybody thinks I am.

That above paragraph is basically the incarnation of legalism... Guilty. Red hands. Turning myself in now.

^"8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10

Here's an example which I have thought up all on my own:

(^^^do you see the irony in that statement?^^^ I didn't even notice it until proofreading this... that's solid evidence that what is written here is truth)

Let's say a man makes a lawnmower. This lawnmower is his workmanship. Why did he make it? For a purpose - to cut grass. Now, if the lawnmower gets broken, what does the man do? Well, he's the one who created it- the only one who knows exactly how it functions- and he loves this lawnmower very much. So he's the one who's gonna fix it. And he takes whatever time it takes, endures whatever pains he has to in order to fix that lawnmower. He pours his heart and soul into making it even better than it was before.

So once this lawnmower works again... does anyone say to it "Wow you're really tearing it up out there. You rock, dude"? No. This lawnmower has done nothing to deserve praise, all it does is cut grass. All credit is given to the maker.


Now, back to reality: I am just a lawnmower. All I can do is let Him push me around. I'll cut whatever grass He puts in front of me... but that's all I can cut.

For we are God's workmanship.

Revisiting Christmas

I'm thinking more about that really terrible movie we watched on Christmas eve... I think I have figured out what about it was bothering me. Bad jokes don't bother me, so that couldn't be it. Vulgarity is not something that is totally foreign to me... so probably not that either.

I think what was so irritating about that movie was the fact that people are supposed to like that kind of stuff. Two of Hollywood's young hot stars together in a cheesy romcom... sounds good on paper. So when did this type of movie change from, for example, The Wedding Singer or The Princess Bride to The Ugly Truth? When did funny little flirty jokes that are supposed to be funny to women- but I'll admit it I like them too- turn into literally just saying the latest, trendiest dirty words? Oooh, and maybe if we have an old lady say it it'll be even more hysterical!

And people are supposed to like this... people are expected to spend millions to see it opening weekend. Teenagers line up to be told what is cool, and if Hollywood isn't careful, teenagers will start believing that being a vulgar idiot is cool.

(Upon reading that last statement, I am realizing that it probably already is cool.) Well that, my friends, is the ugly truth.

So somehow we chose The Ugly Truth as our family movie this Christmas eve. Worst movie ever. It's one of those movies that tries to substitute vulgar stupidity for comedy. I keep asking myself how this movie ever got made in the first place. There's nothing in it but sex. No humor, no cleverness, no plot, no anything.

I am disgusted. I can't put my feelings into words on this but I am fully repulsed by this movie. Once again society lets me down.

mindgames

I've been thinking a lot about faith and motives lately. Motives for love, for anger, pain, doing busywork, anything. Why do we do what we do? What are the true aspirations behind my actions?

Motivation can be a tough issue when it comes to your faith. Sometimes I worry that I cannot trust myself about anything, that I must have selfish motives at the core. It can shake up your whole world if you think on it hard enough. All that you do in life, that you believe to be out of faith: leading a Bible study, working with the homeless, missions trips... could it possibly all stem from selfish ambition? Do I even have any faith at all?

I've been reading Walking with God, it gets right at what I am talking about:

"I noticed that at the retreats we do, I am careful to be kind and attentive to people. Why is that? It could be love. But might it also be that I want to be seen as kind and attentive? I spent a lot of time working on this book. Why? Is it to bring the truth as best I can- or to impress you, to be thought well of, to avoid embarrassment?
...
We're faithful to attend church. Why? Is it because we are really worshiping God or because we know people will talk if we don't? We hate confrontation, and we never speak up in a meeting. Why? Is it humility, or is it so that everyone will like us? We want our children to behave in public. Why? Might it have something to do with the fact that they are a reflection on us? How about what we choose to wear- is it because we like it? Or because it will cause others to think we're rugged or really cool or sexy, and because we desperately want to fit in and we're scared to death of what others will say?
Everything we do has a motive behind it."


Part of me gets to thinking that what it comes down to is, do you trust yourself? Do I believe my own prayers asking for God to humble me, to let Him work through me, or am I really just seeking glory, respect, admiration, or whatever else I desire?

Then another part of me wants to say that this is where I think my error is. Do I trust myself? No, no, no, stupid. This is the wrong question to be asking. Try asking "Do I trust Him?" Even if your motives are selfish, and not out of love, He is beyond that. Trust- know- that He is greater than your motives. He surpasses your sins, no matter how huge and penetrating-even this, even the very essence of your personality. He can cut right through all of it, see you for who you truly are. Beneath your personality is a soul that can only have one change over the course of a lifetime- to accept Christ in submission.

When that last thought comes to my mind, I can't help but feel relief. I know that deep down He sees a heart that wants Him. That although in my actions there may be a portion of self-seeking, there is also a portion of Christ-seeking, of selflessness, and that second portion is the only one that the Father will ever care about.

That'll be the day...

So I hit somebody on my bike for the first time today. It's been a long time coming, honestly sometimes I think these people are trying to get hit. This guy, for example, saw me coming as he was crossing the street, then looked away. I rang my sweet bike bell at him, and he then did sort of a double take, and then at the last second he jumps INTO my path. I kind of shouldered him, his drink went flying, and he sort of in panic and in his startled state yelled something along the lines of "Oh man sorry I'm an idiot."

At some point along the way my short fuse was lit, and I was unable to extinguish it in time. Rather than ask him if we was ok, or apologize for crashing into him, I told him in a very angry and sarcastic tone "Just make sure you look before you cross the street," and then I guess I didn't feel satisfied enough with that OH so witty reply, so I added on a "You f***in' idiot." Classy.

Now I come to what I learned today. I learned that I am not always the loving person I wish I could be (not exactly breaking news). I could have reacted in so many better ways; I could have at least apologized for the accident (regardless of who was at fault), or I could have made sure he wasn't hurt, or I could have said "it's fine, it happens" but instead I publicly mocked him for making a mistake (of which we are all guilty) and then I insulted him with a 4th grade level insult.

The point I'm trying to make here is that my reaction was the opposite of what I would like it to be. That needs to change. And what I can't stop thinking about is what the world would be like if everybody (including myself) was slow to anger. Rather than seeking "justice" for being wronged, if everyone had forgiveness as their predisposition...

That'll be the day.

ACfreakingF

Something has changed in ACF. It's like the church has come alive. I really have never experienced anything like this to this point in my life... at the very least I haven't been able to fully grasp what is happening the way that I am right now.

I do not know the specific cause for this. ACF just gets it all of a sudden. It's like everything has been made new.

The worship of the church as a whole is just real, there's no other word for it. I see new faces everywhere, and to be honest it is amazing. Last year we just didn't have a lot of newcomers, and it was discouraging to me. Now it's the complete opposite- I'm so totally encouraged by how many new people we have, I'm just worried I won't have time to meet them all! I say all of this even before small groups have been formed, before we've even really had a discussion. God is moving in ACF, and I for one cannot wait for what is in store. I am a little sad that I'm leaving in the spring.



Jesus, I pray that you keep your hand over ACF, especially on the leadership. A fellowship can only go as far as the belonging men and women are willing to take it; give us the desire to do great things. Move our lives and the lives of others through us.

Year in review?

I am at a standstill. Writer's block... or I guess speaker's block. My pastor here in Naples asked me to speak at college group this Thursday. Simple. Just talk about what God has taught me this year.

Right, so...

sooooo.....

What have I learned? Maybe it's because I am 1000 miles away from where I spent the year, but I cannot remember learning much. I remember relying on God a lot to get me through marathon training. I remember learning how important it is to be joyful, and learning how to live in such a way that I will remain in joy. And I remember learning (that hard way) to look to Him for hope, and not looking to anything else.

Now, I don't want to downplay how important those lessons are, because honestly I am an exponentially stronger person having learned them. It's just that I feel like I should be learning more. I feel like I should be growing faster... but should I? I heard it said once that spiritual growth is not something that can be measured, as it is too gradual, and that it cannot always be seen in others. But what about yourself? Should I be able to see myself growing more than I already can?

I am writing this out because it is something that has frustrated me for a long time. And obviously it is frustrating because there is no answer. There's no standard against which I can compare myself. There's no 12 steps to becoming a fully matured Christian. Which leads me to thinking... is there such a thing as a fully matured Christian? I am leaning towards (aka I am certain that) no, there is not. Nobody has mastered it, and nobody ever will.

So maybe now I should stop worrying about how fast I progress.

That was easy.
:-)