So somehow we chose The Ugly Truth as our family movie this Christmas eve. Worst movie ever. It's one of those movies that tries to substitute vulgar stupidity for comedy. I keep asking myself how this movie ever got made in the first place. There's nothing in it but sex. No humor, no cleverness, no plot, no anything.

I am disgusted. I can't put my feelings into words on this but I am fully repulsed by this movie. Once again society lets me down.

mindgames

I've been thinking a lot about faith and motives lately. Motives for love, for anger, pain, doing busywork, anything. Why do we do what we do? What are the true aspirations behind my actions?

Motivation can be a tough issue when it comes to your faith. Sometimes I worry that I cannot trust myself about anything, that I must have selfish motives at the core. It can shake up your whole world if you think on it hard enough. All that you do in life, that you believe to be out of faith: leading a Bible study, working with the homeless, missions trips... could it possibly all stem from selfish ambition? Do I even have any faith at all?

I've been reading Walking with God, it gets right at what I am talking about:

"I noticed that at the retreats we do, I am careful to be kind and attentive to people. Why is that? It could be love. But might it also be that I want to be seen as kind and attentive? I spent a lot of time working on this book. Why? Is it to bring the truth as best I can- or to impress you, to be thought well of, to avoid embarrassment?
...
We're faithful to attend church. Why? Is it because we are really worshiping God or because we know people will talk if we don't? We hate confrontation, and we never speak up in a meeting. Why? Is it humility, or is it so that everyone will like us? We want our children to behave in public. Why? Might it have something to do with the fact that they are a reflection on us? How about what we choose to wear- is it because we like it? Or because it will cause others to think we're rugged or really cool or sexy, and because we desperately want to fit in and we're scared to death of what others will say?
Everything we do has a motive behind it."


Part of me gets to thinking that what it comes down to is, do you trust yourself? Do I believe my own prayers asking for God to humble me, to let Him work through me, or am I really just seeking glory, respect, admiration, or whatever else I desire?

Then another part of me wants to say that this is where I think my error is. Do I trust myself? No, no, no, stupid. This is the wrong question to be asking. Try asking "Do I trust Him?" Even if your motives are selfish, and not out of love, He is beyond that. Trust- know- that He is greater than your motives. He surpasses your sins, no matter how huge and penetrating-even this, even the very essence of your personality. He can cut right through all of it, see you for who you truly are. Beneath your personality is a soul that can only have one change over the course of a lifetime- to accept Christ in submission.

When that last thought comes to my mind, I can't help but feel relief. I know that deep down He sees a heart that wants Him. That although in my actions there may be a portion of self-seeking, there is also a portion of Christ-seeking, of selflessness, and that second portion is the only one that the Father will ever care about.