My favorite word

But I thought he hated blogging?

Yes. Well, no. But yes. I think it's stupid. What's the point of me writing all this out? Nobody's going to read it. Except for kyle and anna. and maybe a few lurking creeps out there. But now that I've called them out on it, they won't be back anymore. So it's just kyle and anna, really.

Well then, mr know it all, if blogging's so stupid, why are you doing it right now?

There are several answers to that question.

1. It doesn't matter if nobody reads it... it's for me just as much as it is for you

2. I have an insane amount of work to do, and this is a lovely break from it

that's all i got for answers to the question.

anyways, now that i've justified myself for WHY I am blogging, i think i will start blogging.

k.

well, I have been feeling real good lately. Really ever since I got back from Spain. I've just been on the biggest spiritual high... God just doesn't want to let me go it seems. Like the longest and tightest hug of my life.

In light of this, I have come to a few realizations:

1. God is bigger than anything. Obviously we are taught this from day 1 of Christian life, but I have really lived it lately. It's real, it's completely in my face. Something'll happen that makes me sad or upset or discouraged, and maybe for a few hours I'll sulk, but by sunrise God is warming my heart and opening my eyes to the brighter side. And maybe that's realization #2..

2. There is a brighter side. Not just to individual situations like from #1, but to LIFE. There is a way to live life that is shining bright. Living for Him (do we think enough about what that truly means? To live for HIM?). Listening to Him and HEARING him. Bringing Him into every situation. being joyful in Him. Forcing Him into conversations because it would make me anxious not to, because it is way too important not to. Being totally and utterly real with people- one of my goals since 2008. All of these are happening in my life at present, and I LOVE it. I just pray that it continues. His hand is ON me, and I do not want it to go.

#3. I'm unsatisfied by things other than Jesus. Sure, along the way various things have stopped me from chasing God at full speed, but regardless of that I can safely say that I now am running HARD right at Him. And I have seen first hand that things in this world cannot satisfy. For example I was once afraid that if I found myself in a relationship, or even just crushing on a girl, that I would become content to just be with her and stop chasing God full speed. But I now see that this is not the case. Relationships can't satisfy me if they are not based on a driving movement towards God. Or for another example, I used to be afraid that upon my 21st birthday, I would slip back into alcohol and fall away from God a bit. Well, to a certain extent that did happen, but what's far more important is the come back from that. I don't feel the excitement from alcohol anymore, and that's all down to two things 1. God's grace and 2. the undeniable fact that THINGS OF THIS WORLD DO NOT SATISFY.

4. My favorite word is forever.

Forever my love, my heart, my life is Yours.
Forever God is faithful, strong, and with us.
Forever young.
The Son will shine forever.

The list goes on and on (probably forever, lulz). If I were ever to get a tattoo, it would be of a simple cross with the word "Forever" underneath it. Regardless of any hypothetical tattoo, FOREVER is a concept which I have tried to fathom in my life. We can't understand it. Forever. He loves us forever. We will worship Him forever. He has existed forever. When mountains crumble, when the sky turns black, when rivers and the seas dry up, He will endure forever. And we are so lucky to be a part of forever.

Is forever not insane?

Right, well I would love to write more but I have a speech to get to. Perhaps I will take up this blog once more, who knows. In the meantime, you kiddos just sit tight and watch the fireworks.

I will be with you.

The book of Judges. I am amazed at how little scripture I actually know. There's so much stuff in the Old Testament I have never read. I guess that's because early in my walk I prioritized the New Testament.

Regardless.

Reading about Gideon is a relief, I think because his struggles in his encounters with God resemble mine.

"But Lord , " Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."


Not that I'm lacking self confidence (quite the opposite, I'm actually pretty egotistical, all things considered), I just don't always live as if I believe the Lord's promises. "Ask and you shall receive" isn't easy for me to believe.

So anyways, what is the Lord's answer to Gideon's unbelief? "I will be with you." That's such an incredible promise. Just today I realized how amazing that is, that He is always here. Always. When I'm eating, running, sleeping, blogging... He's here. What a strength and comfort that is! If God is with me... in the words of Psalm 27: "whom shall I fear?"

Right, well I got a little off topic but this has been similarity number 1.

Number two:

^"36 Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised- ³⁷ look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said." ³⁸ And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew—a bowlful of water. ³⁹ Then Gideon said to God, "Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece. This time make the fleece dry and the ground covered with dew." ⁴⁰ That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew."

Twice Gideon tests God in this way AFTER Gideon has already destroyed a temple of Baal at God's command; in other words he's already done righteous acts in God's name. In fact Gideon has already fully realized that he is conversing with the angel of the Lord (²² When Gideon realized that it was the angel of the LORD, he exclaimed, "Ah, Sovereign LORD! I have seen the angel of the LORD face to face!").

It'd be easy to look at Gideon and think "What an IDIOT!! He's literally speaking to God face to face- and yet he's still unbelieving." But the thing is, I do the same thing- I don't doubt that He exists, that His word is true, that when I pray He hears me, and that when I listen for it I can hear Him... but then I'll still hesitate to follow through with what God is asking of me. I'll doubt myself, whether I'm just hearing what I want to hear or if I really am hearing from God... just like Gideon.

I would like to find a 3rd similarity, just because that's the way I was taught to write, and 3 is a biblical number, but I guess I haven't read far enough in Judges to find number 3 just yet! But I'm sure I will have more to come in the future on where my faith takes me... and you can read about it! That's why I made this blog in the first place.

Alright then, I guess that's about all for now... I wanted to leave you with some lyrics from a worship song, God of 3 Strings. I think it's pretty well known but I have no idea. Anyways, here you go:

"I will be with you all day long
walking through rooms inside your home,
and when the hours have quickly flown
I will be with you to stay on.

I will be with you all day long,
I'll be the summer, wind and song.
And when the sound of evening comes,
I would've been with you all day long."

You guys... He's here.

From legalism to lawnmowers... only you, Jesus. Only you.

So often I find that I'm trying to do it myself. Trying to say and do the right things to "convince" someone to believe, trying to feel "enough" guilt for my sins, trying to write the perfectly clever blog entry, trying to figure out what to do with my life both on a large scale and on a small, minute by minute scale... everything. Forever I have been trying to take care of business, to get things done, to be the impressive, brilliant and wonderful stud that everybody thinks I am.

That above paragraph is basically the incarnation of legalism... Guilty. Red hands. Turning myself in now.

^"8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10

Here's an example which I have thought up all on my own:

(^^^do you see the irony in that statement?^^^ I didn't even notice it until proofreading this... that's solid evidence that what is written here is truth)

Let's say a man makes a lawnmower. This lawnmower is his workmanship. Why did he make it? For a purpose - to cut grass. Now, if the lawnmower gets broken, what does the man do? Well, he's the one who created it- the only one who knows exactly how it functions- and he loves this lawnmower very much. So he's the one who's gonna fix it. And he takes whatever time it takes, endures whatever pains he has to in order to fix that lawnmower. He pours his heart and soul into making it even better than it was before.

So once this lawnmower works again... does anyone say to it "Wow you're really tearing it up out there. You rock, dude"? No. This lawnmower has done nothing to deserve praise, all it does is cut grass. All credit is given to the maker.


Now, back to reality: I am just a lawnmower. All I can do is let Him push me around. I'll cut whatever grass He puts in front of me... but that's all I can cut.

For we are God's workmanship.

Revisiting Christmas

I'm thinking more about that really terrible movie we watched on Christmas eve... I think I have figured out what about it was bothering me. Bad jokes don't bother me, so that couldn't be it. Vulgarity is not something that is totally foreign to me... so probably not that either.

I think what was so irritating about that movie was the fact that people are supposed to like that kind of stuff. Two of Hollywood's young hot stars together in a cheesy romcom... sounds good on paper. So when did this type of movie change from, for example, The Wedding Singer or The Princess Bride to The Ugly Truth? When did funny little flirty jokes that are supposed to be funny to women- but I'll admit it I like them too- turn into literally just saying the latest, trendiest dirty words? Oooh, and maybe if we have an old lady say it it'll be even more hysterical!

And people are supposed to like this... people are expected to spend millions to see it opening weekend. Teenagers line up to be told what is cool, and if Hollywood isn't careful, teenagers will start believing that being a vulgar idiot is cool.

(Upon reading that last statement, I am realizing that it probably already is cool.) Well that, my friends, is the ugly truth.

So somehow we chose The Ugly Truth as our family movie this Christmas eve. Worst movie ever. It's one of those movies that tries to substitute vulgar stupidity for comedy. I keep asking myself how this movie ever got made in the first place. There's nothing in it but sex. No humor, no cleverness, no plot, no anything.

I am disgusted. I can't put my feelings into words on this but I am fully repulsed by this movie. Once again society lets me down.

mindgames

I've been thinking a lot about faith and motives lately. Motives for love, for anger, pain, doing busywork, anything. Why do we do what we do? What are the true aspirations behind my actions?

Motivation can be a tough issue when it comes to your faith. Sometimes I worry that I cannot trust myself about anything, that I must have selfish motives at the core. It can shake up your whole world if you think on it hard enough. All that you do in life, that you believe to be out of faith: leading a Bible study, working with the homeless, missions trips... could it possibly all stem from selfish ambition? Do I even have any faith at all?

I've been reading Walking with God, it gets right at what I am talking about:

"I noticed that at the retreats we do, I am careful to be kind and attentive to people. Why is that? It could be love. But might it also be that I want to be seen as kind and attentive? I spent a lot of time working on this book. Why? Is it to bring the truth as best I can- or to impress you, to be thought well of, to avoid embarrassment?
...
We're faithful to attend church. Why? Is it because we are really worshiping God or because we know people will talk if we don't? We hate confrontation, and we never speak up in a meeting. Why? Is it humility, or is it so that everyone will like us? We want our children to behave in public. Why? Might it have something to do with the fact that they are a reflection on us? How about what we choose to wear- is it because we like it? Or because it will cause others to think we're rugged or really cool or sexy, and because we desperately want to fit in and we're scared to death of what others will say?
Everything we do has a motive behind it."


Part of me gets to thinking that what it comes down to is, do you trust yourself? Do I believe my own prayers asking for God to humble me, to let Him work through me, or am I really just seeking glory, respect, admiration, or whatever else I desire?

Then another part of me wants to say that this is where I think my error is. Do I trust myself? No, no, no, stupid. This is the wrong question to be asking. Try asking "Do I trust Him?" Even if your motives are selfish, and not out of love, He is beyond that. Trust- know- that He is greater than your motives. He surpasses your sins, no matter how huge and penetrating-even this, even the very essence of your personality. He can cut right through all of it, see you for who you truly are. Beneath your personality is a soul that can only have one change over the course of a lifetime- to accept Christ in submission.

When that last thought comes to my mind, I can't help but feel relief. I know that deep down He sees a heart that wants Him. That although in my actions there may be a portion of self-seeking, there is also a portion of Christ-seeking, of selflessness, and that second portion is the only one that the Father will ever care about.

That'll be the day...

So I hit somebody on my bike for the first time today. It's been a long time coming, honestly sometimes I think these people are trying to get hit. This guy, for example, saw me coming as he was crossing the street, then looked away. I rang my sweet bike bell at him, and he then did sort of a double take, and then at the last second he jumps INTO my path. I kind of shouldered him, his drink went flying, and he sort of in panic and in his startled state yelled something along the lines of "Oh man sorry I'm an idiot."

At some point along the way my short fuse was lit, and I was unable to extinguish it in time. Rather than ask him if we was ok, or apologize for crashing into him, I told him in a very angry and sarcastic tone "Just make sure you look before you cross the street," and then I guess I didn't feel satisfied enough with that OH so witty reply, so I added on a "You f***in' idiot." Classy.

Now I come to what I learned today. I learned that I am not always the loving person I wish I could be (not exactly breaking news). I could have reacted in so many better ways; I could have at least apologized for the accident (regardless of who was at fault), or I could have made sure he wasn't hurt, or I could have said "it's fine, it happens" but instead I publicly mocked him for making a mistake (of which we are all guilty) and then I insulted him with a 4th grade level insult.

The point I'm trying to make here is that my reaction was the opposite of what I would like it to be. That needs to change. And what I can't stop thinking about is what the world would be like if everybody (including myself) was slow to anger. Rather than seeking "justice" for being wronged, if everyone had forgiveness as their predisposition...

That'll be the day.